I like to think that we all have little problem behaviors with our babies. (Surely, I’m not the only one?!) My 8-month-old likes to bite me while breastfeeding. Occasionally she pinches her siblings. Some babies scream, just for fun! Perhaps you have a similar problem? If not, enjoy your baby! If so, read on…
Let’s start with a brief discussion about how babies learn. Babies gain an understanding of how the world works by doing and experiencing, rather than through words. They try different things to see what happens. Obviously one of the things they try the most initially is crying. Baby cries, and a parent (let’s say mom) comes to change a diaper, provide comfort, or satiate hunger. Baby has now learned that crying brings mom, and mom fixes everything!
As baby grows, she can engage with the world in more ways – she can grab things, pinch things, bite things, laugh, shriek, etc. – and more things happen as a result. A sibling cries out in pain, a parent laughs, a toy moves. The world became more interesting! Baby has learned that pinching her sibling causes an amusing noise, that laughing causes dad to laugh in return, and that pushing a toy causes that toy to move. And she is probably going to repeat her new behaviors to see if she gets the same results!
Perhaps some of baby’s new behaviors are less than desirable, as with my biting predicament. The first time my daughter bit me, I was quite surprised and yelped in pain, which she found very interesting. She almost immediately tried it again to see what I would do. So, what happens if we no longer give the same reaction to our baby’s less-than-desirable behaviors? What if we give no reaction at all? In short, we get something called an extinction burst, eventually followed by less of the unpleasant behavior.
Although it sounds very technical, an extinction burst simply means that baby’s behavior will escalate as she tries to elicit the interesting reaction again. Let’s go with a simple example – crying. (Note that crying is an innate survival behavior for babies, and you will not be able to, nor should you, eliminate it. I use it as an example because it is a universal experience for all parents.) When my baby cries, I go to her and pick her up. She likes that. It makes her happy. The next time she wants me to pick her up, she cries again. She knows that when she cries, mom comes.
What if she cried, and I didn’t come? What if she cried, and I turned around and pretended not to hear her? She would try harder! This is the extinction burst! My baby will now cry louder and harder in an effort to get me to pick her up. If that doesn’t work, she will probably cry even louder and harder still. Eventually, if I am able to ignore her cries long enough, she will give up (and either fall asleep or play, depending on the time of day). She has now learned that crying will not result in mom picking her up. And the extinction burst is over!
What about the biting? Best case scenario – I would not have yelped initially, thus never piquing her interest. But it happened. Now I need to show her that biting will no longer result in an interesting sound from mom. The next time that she bites me, I will quietly and calmly use my finger to release her bite. And that’s it. No talking, no eye contact, no yelp. Nothing. Biting is not very interesting. Since that behavior is not continuous like crying, it will likely take a few more biting attempts for her to learn that biting is not very interesting.
Let’s recap. Babies learn through experience, not words. Ignoring (rather than scolding) undesirable behaviors decreases those behaviors, usually after a brief (and perhaps unpleasant) increase. Keep ignoring! It’s worth it!
How do we teach babies what they should be doing then? That’s right! We give the good behaviors tons of attention! When my baby is nursing calmly and gazing up at me, I smile at her, sing to her, and cuddle her. When she bites me, I look away and unlatch her. When she goes back to calmly nursing, she gets more snuggles and smiles. See how I am teaching her with my behavior and not my words?
What about when baby is crying to be held? What would that look like? Start by giving her tons of attention when she is not crying. When she is playing, give her snuggles and kisses. When you move a bit away and she begins to crawl toward you, pick her up and snuggle her. This begins to teach her that she can crawl toward you to be picked up rather than cry. These are just examples and will not apply to every situation, but in your specific situation ask yourself – what does my baby want and how to I want her to “ask” for it? Then make that behavior work so well for your baby that she will do it more than the undesirable behavior.
Again, I want to emphasize that crying is only used as an example to help facilitate understanding and that you should not attempt to eliminate all crying, although some crying, such as bedtime crying, may be appropriate to ignore. Generally, as your baby grows, you will be able to teach her to use signs or verbal language to signal her needs rather than crying.
These methods can be used to shape anyone’s behavior, so go ahead and try it with older kids too! Your enthusiastic and frequent positive attention paired with ignoring can really help your kids feel what behaviors you want to see from them. And you won’t have to say a word!
Click here to read how to apply this technique to older kids!