Five Easy Steps to Teach Safety Skills

Talking to our kids about safety is extremely important. But it’s also not enough.

Research shows that when kids are verbally taught how to handle dangerous situations, they can usually state what they are supposed to do…but are rarely able to do it when faced with the actual danger.  

Talking About Safety Isn’t Enough

Let me share a personal example…

We talked to our kids about strangers. Many times.

Don’t go anywhere with a stranger. Don’t take treats from strangers. Someone could take you. Walk away and tell us what happened. Call us. Yell “you’re not my mom!” if someone grabs you. 

When the two oldest were in elementary school, they often walked themselves to the bus stop. We were not particularly concerned. Many kids walk to the bus stop or to school, and our oldest had a cell phone in case something happened. Their stop was close to our house and their after-school care, so friendly faces were nearby. We had prepared them for all the relevant dangers – strangers, traffic, etc. 

One day, after spending a little extra time catching our escapee dog, they missed the bus.

A kind older woman pulled up in her car, noted that they missed their bus, and offered them a ride to school. She said she was friends with the after-care provider. (Exactly what a child predator would say!)

Guess what? Our kids GOT IN THE CAR with this strange woman.  

Our smart, responsible kids who know not to get in the car with strangers got in the car with a stranger.  

Fortunately, she actually took them to school. I was grateful for her kindness and concern for my children, but also horrified that my kids didn’t recognize the very situation for which we thought we had prepared them.

My point is this – talking to our kids was not enough. If you have read any of my other posts, then you know that this is a good general rule: talking is not enough. Talking rarely changes child behavior. 

How CAN You Teach Safety Skills?

What does change behavior? Teaching and practicing.  

What if, when you were learning to ride a bike, your parents just told you how to do it? Could you do it? Probably not. 

Someone had to show you how to do it. How the handlebars work. What the pedals do. How to stop. And then you had to practice. Over and over and over again until you had done it so many times that your body already knew what to do when you climbed on. 

You didn’t think about it anymore, you just did it. Autopilot. That’s what we are going for when it comes to safety situations with our kids.  

Now you don’t even need me – the secret is out! Decide what situation you want to address, decide what you want your kids to do in that specific situation, teach it to them (perhaps with physical guidance), and then PRACTICE.

The fancy name for this is…

Behavioral Skills Training

Our now teenage son (the very son who got in that stranger’s car!) recently poked fun at the code red drills at his school. His math teacher apparently told the class that the drills statistically do not improve outcomes when there is a school shooter. 

I will need to see some data to back up that claim because there is definitely research supporting the use of repeated practice for safety situations.

I assure you that I don’t want to be the one corralling panicking teenagers who all have their phones out and have no idea where to go or what to do in the event of a shooter.  That’s why they practice for fires, shooters, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc. – so the behaviors are automatic and everyone is safer. 

Ray Miltenberger, a psychologist and behavior analyst at the University of South Florida, studies teaching safety skills to children using behavioral skills training combined with real-world practice.

He says the key behaviors that kids need to have when it comes to safety are:

• recognizing the danger
• escaping from it
• telling an adult (who will ideally remedy the dangerous situation)

The use of behavioral skills training, role-play practicing with feedback and rewards, and real-world practice is supported by Dr. Miltenberger’s research as an effective means to teach children these important skills for safety situations.

If you want these lessons to stick, the training needs to be repeated periodically, just like school fire drills.  

Note: your child will need to follow your instructions to learn safety skills. If you are struggling with your child’s behavior, you will need to address that first. I recommend starting with sleep (please read the post before decide if your child gets enough good sleep!) and developing a positive relationship.

The Steps

Are you ready to tackle safety with your kids? It’s easier than you might think! Simply follow these five steps:

1. Decide on a safety situation, including variations (such as being in different rooms of the house when teaching fire escape routes)
2. Instruct and model the behaviors you want your child to do
3. Role play until your child is successful a few times in a row
4. Repeat the instruction, modeling, and role play periodically
5. Test your child in a real-world setting, if able

(The interested reader can find an in-depth technical description of the steps in Dr. Miltenberger’s article, Teaching Safety Skills to Children.)

Let’s discuss each of these steps when teaching children about strangers. 

Step 1: Decide the Safety Skill and Variations

The skill of course is how to respond to strangers.

Variations include when a stranger tries to give your child something, when a stranger asks your child to follow them, when a stranger asks your child to get in a car, and when a stranger physically grabs your child.

There could be many other variations, but I recommend starting with something manageable. If you have a younger child, you may want to address only one of the stranger scenarios at a time, such as a stranger trying to lure your child into a car.

Step 2: Instruct and Model the Behaviors

The behaviors are whatever you as a parent want them to be. There is no right or wrong. If you aren’t sure what you want your child to do, you can always search for recommendations from others. 

First, you will need to define “stranger” for your child, particularly younger children. Who is a stranger? For most people, it’s anyone the child doesn’t know.

Strangers in and of themselves are not necessarily bad, but some of them are, so make it clear to your child when a stranger could be dangerous.

The variations we discussed earlier are concrete examples of when strangers could have ill intent, whereas a stranger simply saying hello to your child is not necessarily cause for alarm.  Explain these situations to your child in a manner appropriate for his or her developmental level. 

Discuss and model for your child how to say “no, thank you”, quickly walk away, and tell a trusted adult if a stranger tries to give your child something, asks your child to follow them, or asks your child to get in a car. Also, model what you want your child to say (or yell, rather) if grabbed by a stranger. Popular options are “Help!”, “I don’t know you!”, or “You aren’t my mom!”. 

Step 3: Role Play

Act out various stranger scenarios with your child. Make sure to include the variations, such as a stranger offering candy or grabbing your child.

Role play these scenarios until your child reacts as you have instructed several times in a row.

Offer feedback when you want your child to do something differently and remember to reward successes with praise, high fives, and maybe a treat! Teaching your child about safety can be both educational and fun!

Step 4: Repeat the Training Periodically

Like any skill, if you don’t use it, you lose it. Repeat the instruction and role-playing as often as needed. If you revisit the skill in a month and your child has forgotten everything, do it more often.

There is no harm in frequent safety refreshers, especially if it’s a fun time for you and your child! 

Step 5: Test Your Child in a Real-World Setting

This step is very important to make sure that your child will use his or her skills if the danger actually occurs; however, it may not be practical for all safety situations.

In the case of strangers, you could arrange for an adult that your child doesn’t know to approach him and offer candy. However, you also don’t want to traumatize your child by, for example, enlisting a coworker to grab them in a store.

It also may not be practical to test other skills, such as gauging your child’s knowledge of fire escape routes using an actual fire. This could be dangerous and may unnecessarily scare your child.

Use your best judgment in these situations, but if it’s feasible, give your child a real-world test. If your child fails, train her again on the spot!  

What Safety Situations Will Work for Behavioral Skills Training?

Almost any situation that concerns you as a parent is appropriate.

Strangers are important to our family not only due to our children’s previous failure to use good judgment with strangers, but also because of many reports in our local area about families with small children being followed through grocery stores.

We live in Florida, so water safety (and alligator safety!) is also an important skill to teach.

Other examples of safety situations that you may want to consider include gun safety, fire escape routes, calling 911, drugs, peer pressure, and sexual safety.

Follow the same steps with any safety issue; however, don’t overwhelm your child by teaching them all at once. Start with one, then add another after your child demonstrates mastery.  

It’s easy to talk to your child a few times about safety and then move on, thinking she is prepared.

If my personal story about strangers didn’t convince you about the necessity of behavioral skills training, check out Dr. Miltenberger in action on Dateline’s My Kid Would Never Do That: Gun Safety (see the links at the end of the post – if you are short on time, focus on parts 5 and 6 to see the effectiveness of his training.)

One final point. Kids aren’t perfect. Even the most responsible kid who has been trained frequently throughout his life could still forget everything he learned and practiced when he is face to face with danger. 

So, we as parents still need to do our part to make sure we are creating the safest environment possible.

Supervise your kids outside at all times. Don’t take your eyes off them in a store. Put a locking fence around your pool. Keep matches out of kids’ reach. Block their access to the stove. Keep guns locked. Ask about guns in the home when they go to someone else’s house. 

Most importantly, spend time talking to your kids regularly, even moody teenagers. Encourage openness and praise honesty. Let her know she can tell you anything, and that even though there may be consequences, you won’t be upset and will always love her. 

You can use these same steps to teach your child any new behavior, not just safety skills. Read “Teaching a Toddler (Or Any Kid!) Better Behavior” to learn more!

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Watch Dr. Miltenberger on Dateline’s My Kid Would Never Do That: Gun Safety

Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3 – Part 4 – Part 5 – Part 6

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References

Gatheridge, B. J., Miltenberger, R. G., Huneke, D. F., Satterlund, M. J., Mattern, A. R., Johnson, B. M., & Flessner, C. A. (2004). Comparison of two programs to teach firearm injury prevention skills to 6-and 7-year-old children. Pediatrics, 114(3), e294-e299.

Miltenberger, R. G. (2008). Teaching safety skills to children: Prevention of firearm injury as an exemplar of best practice in assessment, training, and generalization of safety skills. Behavior Analysis in Practice, 1(1), 30-36.