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Our lives are made of habits. They are barely perceptible. Really examine your day, and you will see. It’s full of habits.
If you are like most people, you have a morning routine. You perform your morning ablutions around the same time each day, usually in the same order. You likely drive to work on autopilot, sometimes resulting in heading to work unintentionally. You put your seat belt on without even knowing it. All habits.
These examples illustrate habits that make our day easier. We don’t have to think of every little thing, we just do it. However, some habits don’t work out as well for us. Smoking. Lateness. Chewing with our mouth open. Pencil tapping. Compulsively checking our phone. “Bad” habits annoy others or are just plain bad for us.
What comes to mind when I mention child habits? It’s usually the “bad” variety (although our kids certainly have beneficial habits too!). Personally, I think of our 11-month-old’s subconscious pinching while nursing, our 3-year-old’s heedless nose picking, and our 11-year-old’s oblivious nail biting. Maybe your toddler has a pacifier or thumb-sucking habit? Perhaps you have a teen with an eye-blinking tic? (Side note: check with a doctor for allergies or eye irritation before addressing an eye-blinking tic!) Habits abound in our house! I am reluctant to admit that I am anxiously picking my fingers as I type.
How did our kids end up with these habits? The same way anyone learns any behavior – they did something and got something out of it. At some point, your child randomly engaged in the habit behavior and it felt good (in the case of a tic, it was probably paired with relief of an uncomfortable feeling like anxiety), which makes it very likely she will do it again.
The behavior and “reward” were repeated over and over, until eventually the behavior became a habit. The more your child did it, the better he got at it. It became automatic. Much like you driving to work on autopilot, your child now engages in the behavior without even thinking about it. So when you tell him to stop doing it and he seems confused, his response is genuine! He likely has no idea he is doing it.
It seems impossible right? Changing a behavior of which your child is completely unaware? I assure you it’s not impossible! There are effective behavioral techniques for both young and old!
Before we jump into techniques for ridding your child of a habit, let me first state that not all habits necessarily need to be addressed. Thumb-sucking can be a comforting habit for children that many often outgrow (experts suggest its not a problem until after age 4). Nose-picking may have its function to keep airways clean? Habits should be addressed if they pose some sort of problem for your child, such as dental problems, health problems, or social ridicule.
Have a detrimental habit to work on? The first line of parental defense for any undesirable behavior is to ignore it while simultaneously giving tons of attention to other behaviors. Ignoring may eliminate the habit on its own, or at the very least it will let you know that your attention is not motivating your child to continue the habit! Try ignoring the habit before making a lot of extra work for yourself – read this post for more information on ignoring!
Babies and Toddlers
If ignoring the habit didn’t work, more intensive techniques are needed. Let’s start with our smallest habit makers – babies and toddlers. They are typically unwilling to participate in the elimination of a habit. Why? Because they are babies. Or because they like it, those little nose-pickers!
Response Blocking
The easiest way to curb a habit with a miniature unwilling participant is response blocking. It’s really as simple as it sounds! When you see that thumb heading towards the mouth, block it! In a gentle, loving way of course.
The rationale? The less your child practices the habit behavior, the less automatic it will become. And eventually…no more habit!
I have not endeavored to block my son’s nose-picking yet, but I have been working on my daughter’s pinching while nursing, as it leaves unsightly bruises on my arms. When I nurse, I simply make it impossible for her to pinch me by wedging one of her hands between our bodies and holding her other hand in mine. I have been doing this for about a week, and the pinching has almost completely vanished! Success…almost!
Pacifiers
A pacifier habit is fairly easy to break (methodologically, not so much emotionally). Throw those pacifiers away! Our now 11-year-old daughter was the only one of our children to develop a pacifier habit. When she was roughly 2 years old, she said “bye-bye” to the pacifiers and helped put them in the trash can. And that was that. Some kids may have a more difficult time than others after their beloved pacifiers are gone, but keep calm! They will be ok!
Thumb Sucking
Do you have a particularly resistant thumb-sucker (meaning ignoring and response blocking alone have not worked)? If you have good reason to need to end this habit, try some nasty-tasting polish, such as Mavala Stop. This polish can be combined with daily rewards for success! Your child can even work toward a larger reward for kicking the thumb-sucking habit completely!
Children and Teens
What if your child is older? Habit reversal can be a very effective intervention for both habits and tics, but it requires participation on the part of your child. Have a loving discussion with your child about how the habit (or tic) is affecting his or her life – maybe it could lead to medical problem such as an infection or maybe there are social ramifications of the habit. Once you have your child’s buy-in, proceed!
Awareness
The first step in helping your child overcome the habit or tic is to increase her awareness. It’s hard to change a behavior if you don’t know you are doing it! (Note that if your child has a tic, he or she may be able to identify when its about to happen because there is often a physical agitation or “urge” that precedes a tic.)
Regardless of whether its a habit or a tic, talk with your child about what the behavior looks like. Have her do it in front of a mirror. With her permission, record the behavior and show her how she looks. Finally, develop a subtle signal that you can use to help catch her in the act, such as a tap on the shoulder. In the case of habit reversal, knowing is quite literally half the battle.
Competing Response
What’s the other half of the battle? Once your child can recognize (sometimes with your help) when the habit is occurring, he or she can perform a competing response instead of the habit behavior. An effective competing response is a behavior that could be described as the opposite of the habit or tic behavior. Thus when your child uses the competing behavior, it is impossible for the habit behavior to occur at the same time.
For example, a competing response for my pesky finger-picking habit could be interlacing my fingers or perhaps sitting on my hands. A competing response for an eye blinking tic could be holding one’s eyes open wide until the urge passes. A competing response for nose picking could be squeezing a stress ball or putting hands in pockets.
Involve your child in choosing the competing response to further solidify his buy-in! Encourage him to practice the competing response so that it will come easily to him in the moment.
Practice
The final step in annihilating the habit is practicing! As with any behavior (see this post), the more we practice it, the better we get at it. Your child now needs to practice the competing response instead of the habit behavior. And your job is to guide and support him through it!
Continue to help your child recognize when he is engaging in the habit behavior using the signal discussed earlier. The signal will also let him know that it’s time to use the competing response. For a younger child, it might help to change the signal to something that will remind him of the new behavior. A reminder signal for my son’s nose-picking could be handing him a ball – it not only lets him know he was picking, it also cues him to squeeze the ball instead!
Keep up the ignoring throughout the process by directing your attention toward all the things your child is doing right. Motivate his hard work with enthusiastic praise! A reward may be in order! Some kids, particularly younger ones, may need very frequent praise and a daily reward to keep their head in the game.
Habits and tics are tough to conquer. Don’t get discouraged! Your loving guidance and positive focus are key for your child’s success!
References for the interested reader:
Azrin, N.H., & Nunn, R.G. (1973). Habit reversal: A method of eliminating nervous habits and tics. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 11(4). 619-628.
Friman, P. C., & Leibowitz, J. M. (1990). An effective and acceptable treatment alternative for chronic thumb-and finger-sucking. Journal of Pediatric Psychology, 15(1), 57-65.