Kids thrive in a positive environment…not so much in a negative one. The problem is that it’s much easier and natural to be negative.
We tend to look for things that our kids (and significant others) are doing wrong and correct them. When they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, we tend to ignore.
Does this sound familiar?
Sometimes Being Positive is Hard
My husband and I are really good at creating a positive environment in our marriage. We work hard to regularly compliment each other and thank each other for small, everyday things. We usually only see one another on weekends and for brief moments in the evenings, so it’s not too hard to be positive in that limited span of time.
However, today I realized that I am not so good at being positive with our two-year-old son.
Those of you who have experienced a two-year-old are likely not surprised by this. They are so very cute, but when you are trying to care for an infant, make dinner, do laundry, and generally keep the house from falling apart, the cuteness may not outweigh the two-year-old-ness.
Our son is active, intelligent, curious, and comical. Oh, and strong-willed, as two-year-olds tend to be.
When I have a lot going on, it’s very easy to fall into a pattern of ignoring him when he is not on my radar and yelling/correcting/”no”-ing when he is vying for my attention (usually in annoying, loud, or dangerous ways).
When I’m having a difficult toddler day, I try to remind myself how it feels to be on the receiving end of all that negativity.
My husband and I typically have over 100 positive interactions for every negative one. But, damn, that one negative interaction really stings.
When I worked, I usually received positive comments from my supervisors, but on the few occasions that I did get negative feedback, it stung. Sick-to-my-stomach stung.
The receiving end is not a fun place to be.
Our two-year-old is getting those stings left and right all day long. From me. His mom. The person who loves him most in the world.
That can’t feel good. That can’t feel much like love.
It’s so natural for us as parents to constantly correct our kids, but it doesn’t create an environment in which our kids want to please us. Why would they do as we ask when we don’t notice it? Why try to please us when most of our feedback is criticism?
How to Turn Things Around!
The best thing we can do as parents to improve our kids’ behavior (and well-being) is to create a positive environment. There will of course be corrections that need to be made, and our job as parents is to teach our kids. These occasional lessons will be better heard if our kids generally feel loved and supported. I could personally do a better job in two ways: being more positive when I need to make corrections (heck, even neutral would be an improvement on those really tough toddler days), and balancing the negative with much, much more positive.
Recognize Good (And Even OK) Behavior
The easiest way to gain more positive is to acknowledge the little things our kids are doing right (or even just not doing wrong) – praising them, talking to them about what they are doing, or giving them physical affection.
Not just once or twice, but as much as humanly possible.
Hug them, kiss them, touch their shoulder, tell them “great job!”, ask them about their day, join in their play, comment on a show they are watching, or just talk to them.
Find any opportunity, even if their behavior makes it very difficult. You might shock them with your interest!
When our 10-year-old shows me her art, I say what I like about it, rather than what could be done differently.
When our two-year old is playing with his trucks, I kiss the top of his head and throw in a few truck sounds.
I actively listen and show interest when our 14-year-old wants to talk about his day.
Our 7-month-old is thrilled with just a smile.
The power of a simple smile is so often underestimated.
Do this all day, every day and watch the change in your kids. It’s magic! No…. it’s science.
Positive relationships are the crux of many successful therapies for both kids and adults, such as Eyberg’s Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and the Gottman Method.
In fact, multiple studies have demonstrated that increasing positive interactions, even just five positive interactions for every negative one, can increase children’s intelligence, improve children’s behavior, and promote marital satisfaction.
Its not always easy to stay focused on being positive but look at the pay off. It’s worth it.
Slow Down and Simplify
When I need to discipline or make a correction of some sort, I strive to calmly talk to my kids about how to do things differently.
I struggle most with this as I am not a very patient person, and I like things done my way.
Something that really helps is to just slow life down. When I get too much going on, my patience is thin, and I tend to yell.
Slowing things down is a topic for another post, but generally I try to keep things simple.
If we have a doctor appointment that day, that is our goal for the day – to get through the doctor appointment successfully. The condition of the house doesn’t matter, we keep dinner simple, and if we miss our daily walk, so be it.
A calm parent is one who notices that you put your shirt on all by yourself and has time to give you kisses while you play with your baby sister. A calm parent teaches in situations where a stressed parent would have yelled.
Love Is All You Need
The point of all this was that our kids will be more likely to want to please us if they are surrounded by a positive and loving environment.
I can see the difference in my two-year-old almost immediately when I change my own behavior.
It’s a little overwhelming to realize that my behavior as a parent can so drastically affect my child’s behavior.
This morning for example, my son was disobedient from the moment his daddy left for work. “No” was his favorite word this morning.
Initially I yelled – my instinctive response due to lack of sleep. My yelling was met with more yelling and door-slamming and crying.
That was the moment of my realization that his day must be filled with stings when I yell.
In that moment, I decided to do what I know works and focus on the positive.
The change was almost immediate. He went from yelling “no” and crying hysterically to saying “ok Mommy” and smiling.
All because I changed what I was doing instead of trying to change him.
Today we slowed down.
My goal for the day?
Not to make a fancy meal, complete household tasks, or run errands, but to make my son’s day filled with positive attention and love.
Want a more methodical description of this parenting technique? Read “Surviving a Toddler (And Challenging Kids of All Ages)”. And always prepare your child for success with healthy sleep and clear expectations before changing anything else.