You know how you feel when you haven’t had your morning coffee? When you only got a few hours of sleep? When you were so busy that you didn’t have time for lunch? When life got in the way of what little time you have for exercise?
For me, these circumstances spell disaster (except coffee – no caffeine for me or even less sleep will result). I’m irritable, impatient, anxious, and to be honest, I’m mean.
Our kids are no different. How can we expect them to demonstrate exemplary behavior if adults can’t in these situations?
Before trying any sort of behavioral intervention or heading to the doctor for medication, we as parents need to ask ourselves if we are providing our children with the best environment for eliciting good behavior.
Is our child hungry? Thirsty? Getting enough sleep? Getting enough exercise? Sick? Does he or she know our expectations of them?
Sleep
When our 10-year-old daughter was younger, she threw some pretty amazing tantrums. When the slightest thing went wrong, she dropped to the ground like a rag doll, screaming, kicking, and crying. It turned out she was not getting enough sleep. Many parents assume that 8 hours of sleep is sufficient for a human of any age, and as a young parent, I was no exception.
Sleep is so important for everyone’s optimal functioning (see “Sleep, Baby, Sleep! Part 1″ for more info on the importance of sleep). It is imperative that our children get enough sleep to think clearly, control emotions, and behave appropriately (mostly – they are kids after all). I won’t get into the specifics here – take a look at “Always Start with Sleep” to learn how much sleep your child needs and how to make that happen.
Hunger
Our 10-year-old daughter gets thrown under the bus a lot. She’s our child who is most sensitive to sleep and snack deficits. Her major tantrums were usually due to lack of sleep; however, there were times when she was just irritable and impatient. Snippy. It became apparent that she was “hangry” (Urban Dictionary definition: You are so hungry that you become angry). A little snack usually did the trick.
This topic also takes me back to my school psychologist days. A few teachers (not all of course!) approached me with certainty that their student’s behavior must be some sort of emotional disability or ADHD; however, they hadn’t taken the time to investigate the child’s background. Many of the kids in the school district regularly dealt with hunger (and sleep problems). When a child is worrying about where or if they will get dinner, their behavior may be less than ideal.
My point is this, much like with an infant, when your child isn’t happy and pleasant, do some detective work to make sure all of their basic needs are being met. Maybe an extra snack in the afternoon will magically return your happy child to you!
Medical Concerns
I am not a medical doctor, so I won’t ramble on this topic. Just consider that, when your child isn’t behaving as well as you would like, they could be mildly ill. For those of you with kids with chronic medical concerns, their medication or the nature of their condition could affect their behavior. An extra nap may be in order. Or just some extra love. Consult with your child’s physician if you are concerned that their medication could be the culprit.
Exercise
Exercise goes hand in hand with sleep, which affects behavior. You child will not get good sleep if he or she is not worn out at bedtime. Thus, it is important to provide your child with opportunities for vigorous exercise throughout the day, ideally outside. Making exercise a priority for your family, and perhaps even something the whole family can do together, will also instill healthy habits in your child for a lifetime.
Setting Rules
Setting your child up for success is not solely about making sure that health and medical needs are met, it’s also about communicating your behavioral expectations. Children are not born knowing the rules for every situation. It’s our job as parents to teach them.
Keep the rules as simple as possible – just three or so. State them in a positive manner, meaning tell your kids what they should be doing, rather than what they shouldn’t be doing.
Some simple rules for younger children might be “Be Nice to Everyone” and “Clean Up After Yourself”. These same rules can be worded differently to apply to older children. Once you finalize your rules, display them in a common area of the house.
Teach the rules to your children. For example, “being nice” means gentle touching, hugging, and helping. Some concepts may even need to be practiced, such as gentle touching or cleaning up. (See this post for details on teaching!)
It’s equally important to set your expectations when you go out of the house. Do not assume that your child knows how you want them to behave in a new situation.
When you go to the store, the restaurant, or the doctor’s office, prepare your kids with your expectations before you get out of the car. Tell them they must hold your hand at all times, talk in quiet voice, keep their hands in their pockets, etc.
What if they don’t follow your rules? That’s another conversation.
The takeaway here is to communicate your expectations, otherwise you will never know if they didn’t know them or chose not to follow them!
All of these components set the stage for good behavior from your kids. Did all this and still struggling? Check out Surviving a Toddler (And Challenging Kids of All Ages!) and Making Kids Want to Behave for ideas on where to go next!