When I stopped working 3 ½ years ago, I felt a little lost. We had recently moved to a new town, I didn’t have any friends, and I was home with a newborn all day. I was sleep-deprived and lonely.
Know what saved my sanity? It wasn’t making friends (although it was nice to finally have one). It wasn’t working from home part-time. It wasn’t sleeping when the baby slept. All of these things helped somewhat, but the thing that helped the most was developing a routine.
What is a routine? I’m glad you asked. Research articles on the topic have very specific definitions; however, I’m going to use the term “routine” for anything that happens regularly. Some routines could be described as habits or schedules, but for simplicity, we will stick with “routines” for all of them.
Humans are drawn to routines. We thrive on them. Little humans too! Routines bring us comfort, consistency, and predictability. Now that I have a stay-at-home-mom routine, I am much happier and more satisfied with life. When I stray from my routine, I feel agitated in the short-term and can easily begin to feel generally lost if the break from routine lasts a few days.
If I feel dismal when I stray from my routine, it’s easy to see how lack of routine can negatively affect kids behaviorally and emotionally, and how developing a routine can improve things for everyone! And there is research to back me up (see the references at the end of the post)!
Routines are extremely important for our daily functioning, and we often don’t even notice them. We do them so frequently that they become automatic. Our morning getting-ready ritual, buckling our seat belts when we get in the car, putting our dishes in the sink after we eat….these barely perceptible routines come together to make up our day in a predictable way.
One of the most important routines for our kids (and adults too!) is sleep. Establishing a healthy sleep routine is critical, especially if you are concerned about your child’s behavior or emotions. (See this post for more on the importance of sleep!)
At our house, sleep times are sacred, protected times. We do not schedule appointments during nap time. We do not allow grandparents to tinker with bedtime (usually). Our older kids have a solid 9 pm lights out even though their friends stay up much later. We have strict quiet time rules so that sleep times are not disturbed.
Do we seem over-the-top? Perhaps a little, but that’s only because we have experienced the consequences of disruptions to our kids’ sleep. It’s not pretty.
Here’s the takeaway: routines simply make parenting easier. For sleep AND for the rest of the day. Who wouldn’t want that?
Getting into a new routine can take some effort, but it’s worth it! Allow me to elaborate….
Our 15-month-old daughter is becoming fairly independent with falling asleep on her own, which I largely credit to her sleep routine. (Read more about our sleep training journey here.) We have a set nap time, nap duration, and bedtime, and we rarely stray.
Her nap routine: put her older brother in for his nap, wave to him and blow kisses while we exit, change her diaper, turn off the light, put her in her sleep sack while singing the Daniel Tiger goodnight song, rock and sing Twinkle Twinkle twice, give her a kiss on the head, say “Goodnight” and “I love you”, lay her down in her crib on her stomach, and rub her back three times. Then leave the room. Every. Single. Time.
Her bedtime routine is almost exactly the same, except I sing a different song while rocking. These routines comfort her by making the day predictable – they provide a cue about expected behavior. She might not always like it, but she knows it’s time to sleep. She often lays her head against me (even while protesting) as soon as I begin the singing/rocking, and she recently started pushing off of me to go to her crib during that time. Most days she then falls asleep on her own, both at nap and bedtime, without crying. Once she even went to the bedroom door exactly at nap time! She was ready to sleep!
The predictability that routines provide can make the rest of the day easier too! For you and for your kids.
If there are specific times when things normally happen, there is less room for argument and more room for reward! Reward can even be built into routines via the Premack principle. Basically, more fun things come after less fun things, thus rewarding your child for completing them! Genius!
For example, video game time with dad always comes after jammies and teeth-brushing. So instead of coaxing our son to put down his game and put on his jammies, we get to say, “Hurry and get ready for bed so you can play Mario with Daddy!” Unless he is engaged in something more exciting than video games with Dad (which does not exist), he almost always pops right up to get his jammies on, eager for the reward of Daddy time.
Routines are great for older kids too! I don’t get much opportunity to talk about our older kids because they are pretty awesome. We rarely need to intervene in their day, often because our rules and routines guide them! Routines are awesome!
Our latest routine, which is also a rule (see this post for more about rules), dictates family togetherness after nap on weekends. Meaning that after the little ones wake, the big kids are done with electronics for the day and come out of their rooms to spend time with the family.
We have had many arguments about electronics usage, but once we put this routine in place, the arguments magically stopped! Now when they hear the younger kids awake, the older kids wander out of their rooms and play with them, no questions asked!
The big kids have other routines that structure their day (such as showers and dishes right after dinner, before they return to their rooms and electronics…see the built-in reward there?), but the weekend family time routine is my favorite.
The most important routines for our family at this stage are clearly the sleep routines, but routines can make the entire day easier. Take a close look at your day to identify your family routines. Maybe some can be moved around to make the day flow more smoothly. Maybe some times of the day could use a new routine to improve behavior. Don’t forget to incorporate some rewards into your routines to help with motivation – the best rewards are often simply time with mom or dad!
Need something more than routines to help rein in your child’s behavior? Check out this post for a great starting point!
References:
Larsen, K. (2019). Organized chaos: Daily routines as a potential mechanism linking household chaos and child behavior problems. (Master’s thesis). Retrieved from: https://aquila.usm.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1672&context=masters_theses
Rijlaarsdam, J., Tiemeier, H., Ringoot, A. P., Ivanova, M. Y., Jaddoe, V. W., Verhulst, F. C., & Roza, S. J. (2016). Early family regularity protects against later disruptive behavior. European child & adolescent psychiatry, 25(7), 781-789. Retrieved from: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00787-015-0797-y