As a psychologist, I should have seen it coming. As a mom, I was clueless!
Our sweet newly 4-year-old daughter started preschool. Our three older kids had no problem starting school, with the exception of some grumbling from our son when he started Kindergarten last year and had to part with his beloved video games.
It never occurred to me that our little girl had never been apart from us. (If it DID occur to you, read my post on how to prepare your kids for separation anxiety!) Her siblings and grandparents have cared for her during date nights without issue, but we have never left her with a stranger. She was so excited to go to preschool and talked about it for weeks before it started! Not a hint of anxiety!
The first day of preschool we walked her up to the gate, and we were unexpectedly met with sobs, tears, and pleas to stay with us!
The guilt was overwhelming. Why didn’t it occur to me to prepare her?!
Guilt aside, I knew what to do. However, knowing what to do and doing it are two different things.
How to Handle Separation Anxiety
As with any anxiety-provoking situation, exposure is the key. We needed to expose her to leaving us over and over again. And, darn it, exposure can be painful!
There are gentler ways to expose her to leaving us, but since we missed the boat on preparing her ahead of time, we used the daily preschool drop-off to teach her.
There are two ways go to about exposure if preparation is not an option.
The More Painful, Faster Method
The really painful way (mostly painful for parents) is to robotically drop your child off at preschool and drive away. By robotically, I mean not “giving in” to the crying. For example, leading your child up to the door, giving a quick hug and kiss, and walking back to your car.
This brief send-off won’t reinforce the crying/clinging behavior, whereas a prolonged hug, verbal reassurance, one more kiss, etc., make it more likely that your child will exhibit the behavior the next day at drop off. Why not – mom gave me an extra kiss yesterday!
This method will likely yield the quickest results, but it’s not tolerable for many parents, and we are no exception! The tears running down our daughter’s face were too much to bear!
The Less Painful, Slower Method
The slightly less painful but longer way to help your child adjust to separation is to provide emotional support but then fade it out, meaning give less and less support each day.
Here’s what we did.
The first day, after the unexpected burst of despair, we walked her into the classroom, helped her put her bag away and wash her hands, got her settled in a seat, and then stayed along the side of the room for a few minutes before leaving. She was still crying but did not run after us.
Whew! Who knows what I might have done if she ran after us?!
The second day, after sobbing in the car followed by tears and clinging at the door, I walked her into the classroom, helped her put her bag away, and helped her find a seat on the rug. I showed her a window through which I would wave to her when I got outside. Luckily by the time I remembered how to open the security gate, she was engrossed in morning exercise and forgot to look for me.
The third day she was happy in the car and the whole way to the security gate, where she pulled on my arm and begged me not to leave her. Her amazing teacher distracted her by allowing her to be her “helper” and hold her tablet. She willingly entered the classroom as the teacher’s helper.
See how we faded the support gradually from walking her in with tons of reassurance to a quick goodbye at the gate? And it started to work?!
No Method is Perfect – Stick With It!
I neglected to warn you that any time you try to change a behavior, it almost always will get worse before it gets better. When your child’s initial attempts to stay with you are not successful, she often will try harder. And harder. And then finally, if you stick to your plan, relief!
There are several intervening events that could throw your behavior change plan off course – illness, holidays, and vacations, for example. Anything that causes a change in your routine can cause the behavior to resurface!
Unfortunately, the first week of school started on a Wednesday. Thus, our preschooler had a full glorious weekend surrounded by her loving parents after only 3 days of exposure. This brief “holiday” from preschool was our intervening event, and as expected, things got worse.
Monday was again unpleasant. Our little one was sad in the car and quietly cried as we walked up to the gate where she started pulling and crying harder. At this point I was already becoming exhausted from the drop-off stress, so I picked her up, gave her a hug and a kiss, set her inside the security gate, gave her bag to the teacher, and left.
I might have cried just a little bit in the car.
But I will carry on, knowing that the more I expose her to the preschool drop-off (without giving in to her fear – don’t give in!), the better she will get at leaving me. And I will continue no matter how difficult she makes it because teaching our kids crucial skills like independence, even when it’s hard on us, is the whole point of parenting.
Looking for more info on anxiety? Read Anxiety: Why It’s Normal and How to Handle It.