When I was 6, we moved to a new town and I started a new school for first grade. I generally have poor memory, but I can distinctly remember my panic when my dad walked me to my classroom and Mrs. Michaels put her arm across the door so that I couldn’t give him one last hug. It was just one more hug. I didn’t like Mrs. Michaels.
If you anticipate that this will be your child, desperately clinging to you in the hopes that you won’t leave, this post is for you. Even if you don’t anticipate such a scene, it can still be helpful to prepare any child for big life changes, like leaving their caregiver to attend school.
Perhaps you didn’t see the anxiety coming, and you are knee deep in the change as we speak? I’m right there with you! Take a look at my post on how to handle separation anxiety as it’s occurring.
If you had the foresight to look for this information ahead of time, great job! Here’s how you can ease your child into a transition!
The Steps
Preparing for anxiety-provoking situations generally involves gradual exposure to the fear. In the case of separation anxiety, the fear is separating from you. So practice being apart! Gradually!
- Start small. Leave your child alone while you take a shower, go outside to turn off the hose, or jog back and forth in front of your house.
- Gradually increase the length/”severity” of the separation. Increase the amount of time you are in the shower. Leave your child with a relative for a short period of time, then a longer period of time. Leave your child with an unfamiliar babysitter for five minutes, then 10 minutes, then 30 minutes, then an hour, then a day. If the transition involves a new setting, go there! Walk up to the building. Leave your child in front of the building while you walk to the car and back (if the situation is safe of course!). If able, leave your child there with an adult while you walk to the car. Maybe leave them with the adult for 10 minutes or longer!
- Practice! A common theme with behavior change is practice. As parents, we often don’t think of practicing unless it’s for learning a skill like tying shoes or riding a bike or playing an instrument. However, learning to leave one’s parents is also a skill and can be practiced like any other! The more times you practice leaving your child, the easier it will become.
- Reward. Praise your child for their hard work in overcoming their fear! Give as much attention as possible to successful separation rather than the avoidance behaviors (crying, clinging, begging for a hug or kiss). Feel free to throw in a tangible reward like a sticker or a treat, whatever your child loves to get!
Example – Preschool Separation Anxiety
Here’s a quick example – preschool. Starting preschool is a common time for separation anxiety to occur, and it’s very very fresh in our household.
If you didn’t pick up on it, I unwittingly neglected to prepare our daughter for preschool. Between stay-at-home-momming and Covid, we just didn’t find ourselves in situations that would have given me any clue that she would have a hard time separating. (See The Best Way to Handle Preschool Separation Anxiety to read how things went!)
So if I HAD prepared her, this is what I would have done:
Exposure and Practice
Generally I would have taken her to more places to learn independence. When our son was younger, we attended a playgroup and a preparatory preschool group where he had the opportunity to work with the other parents in the group instead of me. Experiences like that are a great first step toward separation because I was still in the room but he had to learn to not be right next to me.
I would have put more effort into leaving her with various people, starting with relatives (usually teenage siblings), then somewhat familiar adults, and finally unfamiliar adults, like a new babysitter.
Prior to preschool beginning, we would have visited the building frequently, met the teacher, toured the classroom, and if possible, socialized with future classmates to have some familiar faces in the class.
With the knowledge that her anxiety about separation is fairly severe, we would have practiced leaving her at the school. Initially we would just walk to and from the car, leaving her at the front of the building. If the school allowed, we would also practice leaving her for longer and longer periods of time, such as 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. with an adult in the building.
Reward
Finally we reward her for anything resembling success. Note the present tense – we are in the midst of separation anxiety right now! Despite crying, begging, and clinging to us, we always praise her for attending another day at preschool. We praise and reward her for going inside, even if we had to walk her there while she sobbed. There are many many hugs and kisses when she emerges at the end of her 3 hours, proud that she made it through. At home she has a reward chart for attendance, culminating in a prize.
For some kids, a little preparation and praise are sufficient, and for some kids all the preparation in the world won’t be enough to avoid some tears. Parents, do what you can. Rest assured that most kids will adjust fairly quickly as long as you are consistent and don’t give in.
And if, like me, you never saw this coming, no need to worry. I’ve got you.
Want to know more about anxiety in general? Take a look at Anxiety: Why It’s Normal and How to Handle It.