Screaming. Throwing. Hitting. Grabbing. Spitting. Biting. “No”-ing. These are just a few of the many endearing behaviors that I have seen from our newly-3-year-old son.
My personal favorite is this new attention-monopolizing gem – he recently started yelling strings of random words whenever anyone else is involved in a conversation, with the sweetest look of pride on his face.
But he will not win! He doesn’t realize he is dealing with seasoned experts. In fact, his 10-year-old sister was a master tantrum-thrower in her toddler/preschooler days, and we survived!
You too can survive your toddler (and challenging kids of any age). I promise.
How to Change Your Child’s Behavior
The key isn’t found in reward charts, stickers, or elaborate punishment schemes. The key is changing your behavior.
Wait, that can’t be right. I’m the parent. I’m not the one spitting on my family members and then laughing maniacally. (This may or may not have happened at our house. Several times.)
I assure you, it’s right. Let me tell you why.
In short, kids’ behavior goes where the attention is. If adults pay a lot of attention to the negative behavior and tend to ignore the good behavior (as is often the case – we have our own things to do!), kids’ behavior will drift toward the negative end of the scale.
1. Give Attention to Good Behavior
If we adults work hard to focus our attention on the good and even just the neutral behavior that we see from our kids, their behavior will drift in that direction instead!
It sounds so easy! But it’s not…at least not for most people.
It is the natural tendency of many parents to do their adulting while kids are being good/neutral, and to comment, scold, punish, teach or otherwise attend when kids are being annoying or worse.
This discrepancy in attention guides kids’ behavior.
We adults are showing our kids what kinds of behaviors will garner our attention – and it’s usually the ones we don’t want to see.
However, we can change where our attention lies to guide our children toward better behavior!
2. Ignore Not-So-Good Behavior
If better behavior sounds good to you, then amp up the attention for any behaviors that you want to see more of (even neutral behaviors like quietly watching TV), and as much as possible ignore the behaviors you want to see less of.
If you have difficulty ignoring, you can calmly and quietly lead your child to another room, leave her there, and go back to your business as though you noticed nothing. When your child wanders back into the room displaying behavior that is acceptable, shower her with attention!
(Disclaimer: Ignoring can have unpleasant but temporary side effects…the dreaded extinction burst! Generally, it will get worse before it gets better. Carry on until you get over the behavioral hump!)
For Example…
When our son is quietly playing or watching TV, I try to stop what I am doing and sit with him for a bit. I hug him, kiss him, smile at him, touch his arm, and comment on what he is doing.
I like what he is doing. It would be nice to see more of it.
If he does something that I don’t like, such as hitting me or throwing, I simply get up and walk away with the intention of returning when his behavior is more pleasant.
More Positive Than Negative
It is crucial that this positive attention vastly outweighs any negative interactions you have with your kids.
Why? Remember that their behavior goes where the attention is.
The more your attention focuses on negative behaviors, the more they will drift in that direction to get the attention that they love so much! Sure, there will be times when particularly errant behaviors will need to be addressed, which is why it’s so important to strive to attend to neutral/good behaviors as much as possible the rest of the time!
Aim for at least 5 positive interactions (ideally more!) for every negative one.
Show your kids what you want to see from them.
Take a look at “Making Kids Want to Behave” for more details on how I have used these techniques with my own kids.
Try it (more than once) and let me know how it worked for you!
Before beginning, set your child up for success! Already working on this and ready for the next step (hint – it involves teaching better behavior)?