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If you have read my other sleep posts, you know that we struggle with our 3-year-old’s sleep. Since his birth he has been a difficult sleeper. First he slept with me. Then he slept in his crib with one of us laying on the floor keeping a hand on his back, sometimes for hours!
We have let him cry. We have gradually removed ourselves from the room while singing and shhh-ing from the door. We have jostled and rocked and bounced. We have gone to painstaking lengths just to get some semblance of a restful sleeping situation.
When he was 2, he broke his leg – the kiss of death for sleeping independently. We gave up, and he slept with one or both of us for about a year. A few months ago, we made a minor breakthrough when we successfully trained him to fall asleep by himself (although his dad came in later and slept with him the rest of the night), primarily through the promise of tasty treats upon waking.
As a behaviorist, I know how to get him to sleep alone; however, knowing and doing are two very different things! Particularly when you are exhausted at the end of the day and also have an infant to contend with. Throw in a migraine or a minor illness, and you become useless as a parent at bedtime. We found ourselves daydreaming that a day would come when he could be more or less talked into sleeping by himself all night.
Well friends, that day has come! Our infant daughter just turned 10 months, and in a few months we will want her to sleep in our son’s room. And my husband and I miss each other at night. Time for our big boy to learn to sleep alone!
I have said it before, and I will say it again. I am a lucky woman. My husband handles all things son-related when he is home, which is a welcome relief after having all the kids by myself all day. He potty trained our son, and now he is handling the transition to independent sleeping.
I’m not sharing him.
My husband employed the same tactic we used to get our son to fall asleep by himself – a gentle conversation (setting rules for your kids can make all the difference!) and the promise of delicious breakfast rewards. Usually he gets a scoop of ice cream, although sometimes he prefers some M&M’s.
So far, its worked! He has slept alone all night for a few weeks with only a few elopements to use the bathroom or look for his dad. My husband put him right back in bed…and he stayed there! Sugar is a powerful motivator for my progeny, but he also simply loves his dad’s approval (see “Making Kids Want to Behave” to work this magic on your kids).
What if this simple motivator doesn’t work for your child? It’s likely that it won’t – no two kids are the same. Research recommends these techniques for keeping your child in bed:
- Ignore all yelling and crying
- The robotic return
- The bedtime pass
Ready for some fun?!
Ignoring
Perhaps you remember my previous post about ignoring? Just to refresh your memory – to decrease behavior you would like to see less of, ignore it! Guess what we want to see less of? Yelling, crying, begging for drinks, pleas for more stories, etc. at bedtime! Our little ones can be very crafty, can’t they? Our son is the master of “one more story.” And who could deny their child life-sustaining water?!
You can, of course, incorporate all of these things into your bedtime routine – snack, drink, brushing teeth, stories, songs, what have you. But after you tuck your child in (30 minutes before they need to be asleep – see this post!) and you leave the room, ignore all verbal attempts to get your attention! Depending on the child, things could get a little crazy, but if he or she stays in the room and appears to be safe, keep ignoring! The crying and yelling will get worse before it gets better (see this post for a discussion of extinction bursts), but your child will eventually quiet and fall asleep.
The Robotic Return
What if your child doesn’t stop at mere crying and yelling? What if he comes out, as our dear son has been doing the past few nights? Enter the “robotic return” (a term coined by psychologist Dr. Patrick Friman – click here to get his awesome sleep book!).
Essentially, your continue to ignore your child while escorting him or her back to the bedroom, much like a robot. No smiling, no talking, no eye contact, no tuck in, no hugs, no kisses. Just take her by the hand, walk her to her room, and leave her next to the bed. Over and over again until she stays put!
You may be in for a long night, but if you stick with it – your hard work will pay off!
Update: Since initially writing this post, our son became more daring in his escape attempts, forcing us to use the robotic return. He did require a brief verbal rule explanation (no more stories after he was tucked), as he was quite devastated that we were ignoring him during the return. This brief explanation followed by about five returns successfully kept him in bed! As expected, it resulted in some sniffling which was effectively ignored. High five to us!
The Bedtime Pass
The bedtime pass (also described in Friman’s book) is a magical little tool that can be used to keep your child in bed. It’s bedtime currency for your little negotiator. It can be used for one easily completed request, such as a drink or hug; however, if your child does not use the pass, it could also be redeemed in the morning for a reward. The magic is evident in the bedtime pass research – kids tended not to use it but to hoard it. And they stayed in bed!
The pass can be whatever you want it to be – a note card that your child decorated, a stuffed animal, a poker chip, whatever. It’s just something that your child can hang on to either to use after tuck in or to exchange in the morning for a desirable treat or privilege. Older kids could also earn points toward larger rewards.
We have not yet resorted to the bedtime pass with our son, as he is not quite old enough to understand it. For kids younger than 3 (our son turned 3 a few months ago), it may be necessary to stick with a simple reward, such as cupcakes or ice cream for breakfast (“the usuals” at our house).
Thus ends my tale of coaxing our 3-year-old to sleep alone. The light is getting so bright at the end of the tunnel, but it’s still a bit of a hike to get there. If all continues to go well, our two youngest children will soon be sleeping in their bedroom, and we adults will be back in ours!
I hope you find swift success using these techniques! Please share your stories!