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I have been hearing a lot of concerns from parents about anxiety lately. Separation anxiety, common fears…anxiety is in the air right now!
The time has come. The time to talk about anxiety…from a behavioral perspective, of course!
Our 3-year-old son has not expressed many fears yet. Although recently, thanks to Daniel Tiger, he has concerns about the shadow behind the chair in his room.
We, as parents who desperately need uninterrupted sleep, put a night light in his room. This is exactly the opposite of what I would advise parents to do in this situation!
Parental sleep deprivation is a powerful motivator. And even though I know what we should do, we aren’t perfect!
Prior to tackling any fears or anxieties with your child, make sure that you have built a positive relationship, that his or her health and sleep needs are addressed, and that the home environment is optimized for behavior success!
Let’s explore anxiety a little before I dive into what to do about it.
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is a vague term used to describe worries, fears, panic, and the physical symptoms that can arise, such as sweating and rapid heartbeat. And it’s normal. Does this come as a surprise to you?
Humans are supposed to have anxiety for survival. My progeny and I would have survived quite well among the ranks of the anxious before modern civilization.
My husband, relaxed as he is, would have been quickly eliminated. Survival of the fittest!
This once valuable tool for the endurance of our species has shown to be fairly useless in today’s world. There are no predators waiting to eat us (for the most part). There are laws that prevent our neighbor from bludgeoning us and stealing our food (again, for the most part).
The dangers that existed 100,000 years ago aren’t here anymore, so our anxiety becomes directed at the “perils” of everyday modern life.
Spiders. Storms. Social interaction. A work presentation. Our own thoughts of what could happen or what we should have done differently. Or just a general sense of foreboding that constantly lingers within us as we try to go about our daily lives.
In my experience as an anxious person interacting with other anxious people professionally and personally, there is a continuum of anxiety. Some people are more anxious than others.
This is not surprising as all traits vary from person to person. Some people are extremely outgoing, and others just a bit. Some people can be very angry, and others just mildly. Some people are anxious, whereas others are not generally anxious but have specific fears.
The Behavioral “Solution” for Anxiety
Regardless of the level of anxiety, the “solution” is the same. I say “solution” because as I said earlier, anxiety is part of us. Those of us who are anxious people will always be anxious people.
We can’t change who we are, but we can change how we live our lives.
Live Life Anyway
We can accept that we are anxious people and live our lives anyway, embracing all emotions and living in the present (For the interested reader, this is called acceptance and commitment therapy).
Live life anyway.
It’s not just for adults, it’s also for parents with anxious little ones.
Our toddlers afraid of a shadow.
Our 5-year-olds with separation anxiety.
Our 6-year-olds afraid of the dark (for the record, I am still afraid of it but sleep most nights in total darkness!).
Our 8-year-olds afraid of storms.
Our 11-year-olds in tears over potential missed homework.
Our 15-year-olds worrying about every ache and pain.
Our 17-year-olds terrified of the first job interview.
It’s OK that we have these worries and fears. Anxiety is normal. It becomes a problem when people stop living their life, when they avoid life experiences out of fear of what could happen.
Avoiding things that worry or scare us provides a powerful reward – relief.
Relief feels good. Relief makes us more likely to avoid these things in the future, so we feel good again.
Living life anyway means exposing yourself and your children to (i.e. not avoiding) the things that make them anxious or afraid.
Living life in spite of anxiety.
Example 1: Spiders
A simple personal example – spiders. If I wanted to get over my fear of spiders (which I don’t), I would need to be around spiders more. Get used to spiders. Share my house with them. Maybe get one as a pet. Eventually perhaps carry my beloved pet spider around on my shoulder.
I have many other anxieties that I deem more important to confront than this one, so I choose to unhealthily avoid spiders. I vigilantly check for them in my house before bed. In fact, I just killed one an hour before writing this post. And I had the yard poisoned yesterday.
This example is the perfect way to maintain a fear or anxiety. Avoid it, and it will become worse.
That sweet, sweet relief from fear will almost certainly guarantee future avoidance of the feared situation. And life will not be lived to the fullest.
Example 2: Social Anxiety
Another quick personal example of experiential avoidance. I am a socially anxious person, although you might not be able to tell if you interacted with me. On the inside I am a mess!
Since I have been home these past 3 ½ years, I have noticed that my social anxiety has increased to the point that I feel physically nervous prior to routine outings like a doctor appointment or trip to the store. It wasn’t intentional avoidance but avoidance nonetheless.
What can I do to improve this predicament? Sure there are quick fixes like medication, but those won’t help me in the long term.
The hard road is to get more exposure to social situations. To leave the house and interact with people more, even though I feel anxious.
We aren’t here to talk about me. We are here to talk about your kids. Let’s explore two examples that I see a lot with kids.
Example 3: The Dark
First, a fear – the dark. Many kids (and adults – I’m not ashamed!) are afraid of the dark. How can we get them over it?
Put them in the dark. It sounds cruel, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be a gradual exposure to the dark.
Talk to your child about it. When you put him to bed, start with the door wide open for a few nights. Close it a little more for a few nights. Then a little more, until eventually the door is pretty much closed.
Maybe let him have a little ⅛ inch crack if you are a softy like my husband, or close it the whole way if you want.
As someone with this fear I can assure you that things will happen throughout life that may cause the fear to resurface, and the whole procedure will need to be done again. That’s OK.
You are teaching your kids that they can overcome their fear. They can live their life anyway, even though they are afraid, and nothing bad will happen.
Example 4: Separation Anxiety
Another common concern for parents is separation anxiety. My 1st grade teacher put her arm across the door to prevent me from getting to my dad on my first day at a new school. I thought she was so mean! She was right, but there are better ways to go about it.
You can ease your child into separation by exposing her gradually to situations in which she will be alone.
Express to your child that you love her and explain what will happen. Leave her alone in a room briefly. Leave her alone in the house while you get the mail. Leave her alone with another trusted adult for 10 minutes. Go on a date and leave her with a babysitter for a few hours. And finally, the big moment, leave her for the day at daycare or school.
The key is that when you leave her, you can’t go back.
She will cry, scream, and beg for you, but you can’t go back. If you go back, your child will never overcome the anxiety because she isn’t being exposed to it. You are relieving it for her.
If you always relieve anxiety for her throughout her life, how will she become an independent adult?
Helping Kids Through Anxious Moments
Depending on the age of your child, there are some things you can teach her to do in the moment that may help her get through an anxiety-provoking situation.
Kelly Wilson, in his book Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong, suggests that anxiety is future-based – we worry about what might be coming.
However, focusing our attention on the present moment (also known as mindfulness), is incompatible with anxiety. One can’t be present-focused and future-focused at the same time!
One of the easiest relaxation/mindfulness techniques to teach your child is deep breathing and focusing his attention on making his breath go in and out.
Some younger children may be able to do some rudimentary progressive muscle relaxation as well. I like to explain it to kids as “squeeze and breathe”. As they breathe in deeply, they squeeze their face, hands, and feet, and then release their muscles as they breathe out.
Older kids may be able to include mindfulness exercises in conjunction with breathing, such as listening to sounds around them, being aware of smells in the room, or paying attention to the feeling of their clothes on their body or the pressure of the floor or chair against them.
Regular practice of these sorts of techniques can not only give kids a mini-avoidance technique to use to get through particularly anxious situations, but it can also promote a healthy focus on the present throughout the rest of the day.
Does My Child Need Medication?
Does your child need a diagnosis and medication? My opinion of diagnoses is a complicated one best reserved for another post – that one is up to you as a parent.
As far as medication goes, it has its place to help those with extreme anxiety allow themselves to live their life anyway.
However, note that medication is a form of avoidance.
If someone stops taking their medication, the anxiety will still be there, and he will need to learn to live his life in spite of the anxiety even without medication…or take medication for the rest of his life.
Again, it is up to you as a parent. You speak for your child until he or she is an adult, and you know your child best.
Remember, anxiety is normal but it becomes a problem when life is avoided!
So throw your kids into life (in a loving way of course)!
Give them tools like relaxation and mindfulness to help them through the rough moments, but don’t save them!
They will come out the other side unscathed, stronger, and one step closer to living the fullest life possible.