Often I see parents bending over backwards to develop elaborate reward and punishment schemes that are too complex for realistic follow-through. I’m guilty of it too, particularly when I was a young parent and just learning about behavioral techniques in graduate school. What if I told you there is something so much easier and just as, if not more, effective?
Its natural consequences!
Natural consequences may be self-explanatory but in case that’s an erroneous assumption on my part, let’s explore the concept. Natural consequences are the outcomes that would occur if you just let life happen to your dear children (or significant other…). They can be kind of fun, really.
Your son refuses to get ready for school? He finds himself at school in his pajamas.
Your daughter throws her toy? She no longer has a functioning toy.
Your teenager didn’t do the laundry? He or she can stink in wrinkly, dirty clothes in front of peers.
Your 5th grader lost his book order/money? He doesn’t get a new book anymore.
Kids didn’t clean up after dinner? They get dirty plates for dinner the next night.
Your 9-year-old forgot his homework? No need to drive home to get it. The teacher can handle that one, and your child will likely never forget to pack his homework again (see caveat below).
What would happen to your kids if you weren’t there to save them? That’s natural consequences.
There is one important caveat – the consequences have to matter to your child. I once worked with a parent who was often late for work due to her middle-school-aged child missing the bus. Shortly after learning about natural consequences, her son missed the bus again. This time, she didn’t bail him out. She went to work. Her son was distraught, but he was never late again! Some kids, however, would be more than happy to stay home (parents, you know which kind of kid you have), so this particular consequence would not be very effective for them. Thus, it is crucial to know what your child values when using natural consequences.
Its also critical to ensure that you have created a positive relationship with your child before delving into consequences. You want your lesson to reach receptive ears. Read this and this for help with building a positive environment!
The point is this: when it’s safe to do so and your children have a vested interest, don’t save them. Don’t bail them out. Just let life happen and reap the benefits!
Please share your natural consequence stories!
What if your child’s behavior doesn’t have a natural consequence? Take a look at “Logical Consequences: The Next Best Thing“.