I think most parents would agree that “no” can be one of the most frustrating things a kid can say.
Put your shoes on. “No.”
Pick up your toys. “No.”
Finish your lunch. ”No.”
Do you want a cookie? “No.”
That one is the most vexing – when your tempting parental bribe is rejected by your little dictator.
Believe it or not, you can teach your toddler (and children of all ages) better behavior. It’s really that simple!
Before you endeavor to teach your child, you first need to set them up for behavioral success and establish a positive relationship in which little attention is given to frustrating behaviors. Assuming you have read those posts and have that handled….let’s move on!
Find the Purpose of the Behavior
The most important component of teaching behavior is knowing what your child wants – the purpose of their behavior. In fancy behavioral terms, you need to find the function of your child’s behavior.
Let me make it easy for you. There are two main reasons that anyone does anything – to get something or to get out of something.
“Getting something” might include getting attention from adults (or siblings or peers) or getting a “thing” such as a toy or a trip to the park. “Getting something” for some kids may also include feeling good internally, as in the case of self-stimulating behaviors like hair twirling or knuckle cracking (although these behaviors are better helped using habit treatments).
“Getting out of something” includes escaping things that your child doesn’t like, such as bedtime or uncomfortable feelings like fear.
You might see other functions of behavior mentioned in articles on the topic; however, it all boils down to just two – getting something or getting out of something.
Examine your child’s annoying behavior as well as what happens right before and after it for clues as to the purpose.
For example, did you ask your child to do something, he or she said “no”, and then you gave up and let them off the hook? That one is easy – your child is a skilled escape artist!
Did your child spit on a sibling, resulting in everyone making a fuss by yelling, sending the child to his or her room, and maybe even escorting the child to said room with an entertaining drag or carry? That was an exorbitant amount of attention given for that spit!
(Both of these scenarios have occurred in the past month at our house, courtesy of our 3-year-old.)
Teach a Better Behavior
Once your sleuthing has paid off and you know what your child is getting out of whatever annoying behavior you wish to snuff, decide what behavior you would prefer your child use to get the same outcome.
Meaning, what is a better way for your child to get what he or she wants?
Our 14-year-old is a natural teacher, and, when spit upon by his 3-year-old brother, he taught him to say, “Would you play with me?” And it worked! Instead of spitting to get his older brother’s attention, our 3-year-old now simply asks him to play.
When he was younger, we taught him to say “ma” instead of whining and pointing when he wanted food. (“Ma” was the closest approximation to “more” that he was able to say at the time.)
More recently, we taught him to ask for help instead of throwing objects that him cause frustration.
With all of these examples, he still gets what he wants, but he does it in a better way.
Teaching is an effective tool for kids of any age. For example, our older kids had a bad habit of interrupting conversations. We taught them to wait until the conversation appeared over, as evidenced by a period of silence, before speaking. It was so simple! They still get to speak, but they now do it in a way that is acceptable to everyone.
Practice the New Behavior
Few kids will remember the new skill after just one lesson. I have two words for you in this regard: practice and prompt.
Teach the new skill at a time when your child is receptive to learning (meaning not in the middle of a tantrum).
After you teach it, practice it!
Practice over and over again until it becomes second nature – a habit. Your child needs to practice this new skill until it becomes an automatic behavior, much like putting on your seat belt. You don’t even realize you are doing it.
To help your child remember to perform the new behavior, you can prompt in the moment.
A nonverbal prompt can be helpful and unobtrusive, such as holding up a finger when one of our older kids is interrupting to help them remember to wait for a break in the conversation.
Remember, your child has likely practiced the annoying behavior enough to make it an instinctive habit, so it may take quite a bit of practicing and prompting to make the new better behavior a habit. Like re-learning to drive in another country where the steering wheel is on the opposite side of the car. Be patient and your child will get the hang of it!
Ignore the “Old” Behavior
Its very important that you make the new behavior work very, very well for your child and that the old behavior never works again. Ideally.
Prompting will help remind your child to use the new behavior, and when he does, give him what he wants! Even if its not terribly convenient.
When I say “ignore” the old behavior, I mean that your child should only get the attention, object, or escape she is looking for when using the new behavior. The old behavior gets nothing (except maybe a nonverbal prompt to use the new behavior).
This can be challenging, particularly for escape behaviors. Do your best!
For example, if your child throws herself down on the ground when told to get in the bath and, in the heat of the moment, does not respond to your prompt to say “ok” (see my detailed example below), you may be inclined to skip the bath.
However, her old bath-escaping behavior should be “ignored”, meaning it should no longer work for her to escape the bath. Thus, you may need to put her in the bath anyway when she throws herself down.
If she uses the new behavior and says “ok”, even if you had to prompt, shower her with attention, excitement, and maybe a treat! Show her that the old way no longer works, and the new way is much more fun!
Many of my examples involve our 3-year-old because he is at an age that requires the most “training”, if you will. Let’s explore teaching with yet another 3-year-old example.
Lately, he has taken to immediately responding “no” to almost any request made of him. It’s truly irritating.
Of course, we make our best effort to give huge amounts of attention to his other more pleasant behaviors and as little attention as possible to this very annoying behavior.
This behavior seems to be driven for the most part by a desire to escape undesirable tasks (in his mind), such as peeing in the potty or nap time; however, a secondary motive may be attention, depending on the task and the adult involved. He is a complicated little guy.
We taught him to say, “Ok, mommy” (instead of “no”) when we tell him to do something. We prompt him before we make a request to remind him how he is supposed to respond.
Initially, he enjoyed the attention that he received when he used this new skill; however, he must have noticed that he was not getting out of things anymore because he regressed to using “no” when he really doesn’t want to do something, such as come in from outside or take his nap.
We still make him do the not-so-fun tasks with gentle physical guidance and general lack of attention, thus making the “no” not work for him. When he does say “ok”, we shower him with praise and may go so far as to allow him to “escape” some part of the task, which makes the new behavior work for him in a sense, such as not making him wash his hair during a bath.
Like I said, escape-motivated behaviors can be challenging!
We will continue to prompt and practice to make this new behavior a habit for him, especially when we are not in-the-moment. Once he gets better at using the new behavior, we will also work on motivating him to use it more often, especially at nap time! That’s a topic for another day!
Please share your stories of teaching your children better behavior!